The "Current" List for February 2006

In no order of importance:

Music
After The Devastation - Leaether Strip (Alfa Matrix)
The Ape of Naples - Coil (Threshold House)
The Life Pursuit - Belle & Sebastian (Matador)
Live at Astoria, May 14, 2004 - Throbbing Gristle (mp3)
Filtered Through Friends - Spunk remixed (Rune Grammofon)
The Men Album - The Living Jarboe (Atavistic)
Heat - Colder (Output)
Tender Buttons - Broadcast (Warp)
Tonight The Monkeys Die - Low remixed (Chairkickers Union)
Operetta Morale - Black Sun Productions (Divine Frequency)
En Aldeles Forferdelig Sykdom - Spunk (Rune Grammofon)
Endless - VVV (Mute)
Witching Hour - Ladytron (Rykodisc)
The Days of Mars - Delia Gonzalez & Gavin Russom (Astralwerks)
Shipwrecked Radio Vol. 1 & 2 - Nurse With Wound (ICR Distribution)
Crime and Dissonance - Ennio Morricone (Ipecac)

Books
Deliberate Prose - Allen Ginsberg
Queer - William S. Burroughs
Our Lady of the Flowers - Jean Genet
Don Quixote - Kathy Acker
The Artist's Way - Julia Cameron

33 is the New 40

At least, that's how I felt this past Thursday, which marked my 33rd birthday. Even though, I haven't quite felt up to par mentally, I still believe that this is going to be a great year. I'm determined to make this a great year. I haven't been in much of a blogging mood. Don't get me wrong - I thoroughly enjoy blogging, wholeheartedly. But, writer's block can be a real bitch, allowing skepticism to reign supreme in my brain. Anyway, I am determined now more than ever to remain optimistic and hopeful that the mental funk will go away.

2005 Year End Review: Mysterious Skin

Am I the only person on this planet that is sick to death of hearing "Brokeback Mountain this, Brokeback Mountain that...?" Am I the only one? Well, I was sick to death of hearing about it since the "Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall portraying gay lovers" hype began over a year and a half ago. It's been that long. SERIOUSLY, I DON'T CARE. I still want to see it, just for the sake of seeing what the hype is all about. I don't doubt that seeing Jake Gyllenhall is a giant orgasm waiting to happen. That, I can not dispute (just take a look at the shirtless and bald Gyllenhall in Jarhead....enough said.) However, it makes me completely livid when other, equally deserving films get overshadowed due to the uber-over-the-top hype of "straight actors playing gay characters in a gay-themed film" schtick.

Gregg Araki's latest flick, his adaptation of Scott Heim's wonderful novel, Mysterious Skin, is my favorite film of the year. Simply put, Mysterious Skin is, by far, Araki's strongest and most mature of his films to date. Approaching the topic of child molestation is a tricky task for anyone to take on without the potential for sparking a little controversy. However, Araki proves to be up for the task. Araki adds his signature to the already beautiful, yet heartwrenching story by continuing his use of lush, atmospheric ambient shoegazer rock. Even though Heim's novel doesn't necessarily elude to a particular musical reference point, the film's score by Harold Budd and ex-Cocteau Twin guitarist Robin Guthrie fits perfectly with the overall mood of this film.

The performances of everyone involved are wonderful throughout Mysterious Skin. But, this film belongs to veteran Third Rock from the Sun actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt. His portrayal of the sexually confused and vulnerable Neil McCormick carries this film. Unfortunately, Gordon-Levitt's harrowing performance has been virtually ignored by the viewing public and Oscar voters alike, which is par for the course of independent filmmaking. Elisabeth Shue (as Neil's aloof, yet loving mother), Brady Corbet (as the sexually-abused Brian Lackey, who blacked out, convinced that he was abducted by aliens) and Michelle Trachtenberg (as Neil's concerned best friend, Wendy) also turn in what I believe to be Oscar-caliber performances. Mysterious Skin didn't pull in the $$$ that Brokeback Mountain is pulling in right now as we speak, but that should not deter anyone from taking a look at this film.

Previous Araki films, such as The Doom Generation and Nowhere, are not really known for their stellar acting performances. However, Mysterious Skin changes everything. Here, Araki comes out as a promising filmmaker that has a lot going for him. Araki plants himself permanently on the map of independent filmmaking. Film connisseurs and music lovers alike must check out this touching and wonderful film.

2005 Year End Review: Live Show Highlights

What year-end review is complete without a look back at the great shows that I saw in 2005. Experiences range from fire alarms being tripped during performances to return-to-form comeback performances from mainstay alternative artists to irritating mosh-pit inducing harmonics from audience members falsing believing themselves to be great singers to partaking in a goofy rendition of "The Hokey-Pokey" and a game of "Limbo" during an encore, and just about everything inbetween. So, here it is, my favorite shows of the year (in no order of preference):

1. Frozen Rabbit, May 2005 at Capitol Hil Arts Center: Blissful ambience from experimental performer Phil Western (who collaborated with Cevin Key (Skinny Puppy) on Cevin's ongoing side project, Download). About 20 minutes into the set, Brian (who ran the now-defunct online label, Flesh Eating Ants) accidentally hit the fire alarm, causing a mere 20 people (including staff working the show) to exit prematurely out of the venue. Firetrucks arrived approximately 30 minutes later. After this minor delay, Frozen Rabbit finished their sonic journey without further trouble.

2. Dead Can Dance, Sept. 17th at Paramount Theatre: After 7 years apart, the magnificent duo of Brendan Perry and Oscar-nominated performer Lisa Gerrard graced their presence in Seattle. The eagerly anticipated return of DCD sold out every single show on their spring European tour. As walys, their music was incredibly gorgeous, almost like they never disbanded in the first place. Their 2-hour set included a few new songs (at least they were songs that I didn't recognize) like Crescent and Hymn for the Fallen, which further sealed their fate as being one of the greatest live experiences ever witnessed. The haunting How Fortunate The Man With None brought tears streaming down my face. This show is one of a few shows that I'll never forget. The performance was recorded and made into limited edition live recordings. Of course, I bought a copy. How could I not?

3. Bauhaus, Oct. 14th at Paramount Theatre: 80s Goth rockers returned for their second reunion tour. Their set contains all of my favorite classics, such as Kick in the Eye, Bela Lugosi is Dead, She's in Parties, Swing The Heartache, and more. Despite the fact that vocalist Peter Murphy was dealing with a bout of sickness, Bauhaus never ceased to disappoint throughout the entire show. Double Dare, to my disappointment, was not performed, but that didn't detract from their overall performance.

4. Bob Mould, October at Neumos: See Thurs. Dec. 29th @ 8:21 a.m. blog entry

5. Chicks on Speed, Nov. 14th at Chop Suey: The art electro-rock trio Chicks on Speed put on another fun performance at Chop Suey. Of course, they played their rendition of Cracker's Euro Trash Girl, which is my favorite song from CoS' repertoire. This particular contained one of the more interesting and fun encores I've ever eyewitnessed at an electro rock show. Vocalist Melissa led a rendition of the Hokey Pokey song, which brought an excited display of audience participation. A free-spirited game of Limbo soon followed.

6. Antony and the Johnsons, two shows - April at On The Boards, Seattle and Sept. at the TBA Festival, Portland, OR: Antony brought his charisma and beautiful voice to two incredible performances this year. The first performance was at On The Boards, where Coco Rosie, William Barinski, and Devendra Banhart opened (unfortunately, I missed the opening performances because I was dinking around downtown, losing track of time). All of them joined in for a song or two during Antony's set. Antony's hauntingly beautiful vocals mesmerized everyone in the room with a graceful sadness. Antony proved to this fan that he is genuinely gifted, a bright star gracing the dark clouds of the current musical landscape. The second performance was part of Portland's annual art festival sponsored by PICA (Portland Institute of Contemporary Arts), the TBA Festival, which also brought Diamanda Galas' two incredible performances in 2004. Unfortunately, Antony was struggling with being under the weather, which made this second performance a short, but equally powerful performance, ending the set with my 2nd favorite song of the year, the haunting and gorgeous Hope There's Someone. That show was also where I met a nice woman by the name of Mary, whose enthusiasm of seeing Antony made the evening a perfect affair.

7. Neurosis with Jarboe, January at Neumos: The beginning of 2005 finally brought me my first Neurosis musical experience. In support of their Eye of Every Storm release and their collaboration with ex-SWANS vocalist, Jarboe, the ferocious sonic performance of Neurosis was one of the more powerful performances of the year. Jarboe joined in midway through the main set, starting with the incredible song Within. Jarboe's intense vocals added a new dimension to the Neurosis sound, while holding her own with the noise rock titans.

8. Wooden Octupus Skull experimental music festival, Sept. at ReBar and The Baltic Room: Review forthcoming

9. Adult., Nov. 16th at Chop Suey: In support of their newest release, Gimmie Trouble, Adult. (with the addition of newest member, Sam) rocked the crowd at Chop Suey with Nicola Kuperus's snarling vocal stylings and synth punk rock hooks. Sam proved to be a much welcomed addition to the Adult. sound, while Nicola displayed her best Siouxsie Sioux impression on new and old Adult. tracks. When their electroclash hit Hand To Phone was requested, Nicola politely declined, which didn't remotely surprise me. She engaged the audience with her mesmerizing vocals while whipping around on the floor with her diehard fans. Adult. never ceases to please their audiences with their unique brand of electro punk.

10. An Evening of Improv with Bill Rieflin, Peter Buck, Robert Fripp, Hector Zazou, Matt Chamberlain, November at Crocodile Cafe: This unique improvisational supergroup entertained its audience members with three long ambient soundscapes, lasting between 25 and 40 minutes a piece. I never thought that I would see these phenomenal musicians all together in one place. This performance was one of my favorites of the year. The grooves and atmospherics created were slumber-inducing and mesmerizing in scope.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Self-Loathing Queer Has Now Left This Body

Any year can have its ups and downs, but for me, 2005 was not one of my better years. As a matter of fact, if I was more of a drama queen (that fact can be debated at will by anyone), I'd tell you that 2005 was the worst year of my life. In certain respects, that would be true. The hardest thing for me was the assault and the aftermath that I endured on and after February 15th. Conversation with my mother over the phone on her birthday should not have centered around blood gushing from my head and bruises on my knee. That was one of the hardest phone calls that I ever had made. My attack, which was basically over a stupid fucking cellphone, resulted in medical bills that took forever to be covered by insurance with $$$ still owed; pain and suffering; and fallout and subsequent hatred for Sprint. Their collection agency is coming after me to this day, but I hope to resolve this over the next couple of months by paying them so that I can move on.

2005 was also the year where I struggled with sadness and depression. I've been fighting these demons for years, but nearly took over my mind and body completely over the summer and the beginning of fall. Manifestations of the above took on the form of doubt, loathing, anger towards certain people and situations, utter contempt at certain factions of the local community (i.e. the "goth and darkwave" scene, the gay community, and "holier-than-thou hipster mentalities"), and downright hatred of myself. I've never attempted suicide before, but came close on a few occasions this year. In particular, June through September were the worst months.

However, my point of awakening did eventually occur when I finally said to myself "Enough is enough!" My main problem is that I continued to allow myself to be negatively impacted by these frustrations. I allow these thoughts to continue. I allow myself to feel down. Now that I think about it, as Kent put it during an argument during moving time, I did like to complain. I allow people and circumstances to bring me down and make me resentful. I've never quite come to the point of complete self-acceptance of my mind and body. My self-acceptance consists of the following things:

• I am openly gay to those on a "need to know" basis as well as with friends.
• I weigh 175 pounds (give or take a few) on a good day
• I value respect more than popularity.
• I don't waste money on $200 pair of jeans or $70 t-shirts, nor do I weigh the level of my self-worth based on how much I don spend on these things.
• I don't benchpress 300 pounds, nor am I emaciated. I eat what I want to eat and feel no guilt for it.
• I love experimental, industrial, most forms of electronica, some indie-pop music....fuck that labeling bullshit....I like good quality music, not mundane pop music made for the sake of mainstream consumption. I hate Britney and Hilary Duff, much prefer Cher as an actress, firmly believe that Whitney is definitely whacked on crack, and despise mainstream "rap metal" such as Korn and that ilk.
• I love to write and will continue to do so as long as I live.
• I am fascinated by creative people and find geeky guys with glasses and close-cropped beards sexy. I also have no qualms with admitting it to most right-wing moronic pundits and hypocritical, mean-spirited "Christians.

The list goes on and on and on, but you get the point. I've hated myself inside and out for far too long. I've endured far too many years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds on this self-implosion which is aided and abetted by biased opinions of those who are not in the know of me as a person, nor are in the right in the first place. There comes a time when you finally stop the insanity by saying "Enough is enough." For me, now is the time for me to defenstrate the "self-loathing queer" half of my dual personalities out of my body. I am determined to make 2006 the best year of my life, almost at all costs.

Truthfully, I could not have gotten through 2005 without the love of my close friends and the caring folks at my place of employment. I'd like to, in particular, thank the following folks: Jessica (my best friend of 15 years); Ashley, Jeanne, and Soren (my dear concert-going friends in Olympia); co-worker/fellow blogger The Kern (see blog of the year entry); Glory, Wendy, Cheryl, Wilma, Dianna, and Marlene (present and past secretaries at my employer); and Kent (my housemate), despite several arguments and disagreements over the last 14 months). At the end of the day, I have a great situation right now here in Seattle that makes life worth living.

The title of this blog entry contains the theme of 2006 for me. Here's to the new year - may it be a prosperous time for all aspects of the mind and body for everyone.

Goodbye, Rainier Beach! Hello, Sanity!

So, the big weekend finally came and went for D.A........Moving time. At first, I wasn't too thrilled at the prospect of trying to find a new place to live smack dab at the end of the year during the holiday. Now, however, I'm greatly relieved that my roommate and I have left the ghetto when we did. Going 5 weeks without a working furnace sealed the deal for the both of us. A lesson learned saved us further trouble down the road. Don't rent from friends. DON'T DO IT. They weren't my friends beforehand so I really didn't have anything to lose, other than thousands of dollars in rent paid.

On the other hand, this weekend didn't go quite as planned. The moving out part took a lot longer than I was hoping. We finally left the abyss four hours after we were supposed to be out. When picking up the rental truck and getting some last minute items, we were nearly accosted by Hispanic day laborers loitering around the SODO Home Depot. Three guys opened the passenger door. I thought that we were getting carjacked. The slumlords also tried to bring people in to replace the carpet on 11 hours notice. My roommate, Kent, said fuck no. An altercation ensued, and I spoke up when I should not have. In the end, though, they lost that battle.

We don't think we'll hear the last from the slumlords, but they have nothing on me. I never signed anything so they can't come after me for anything. I am out of $7,700 in rent, with nothing to show for it, other than an empty wallet, a couple scars on my head from my assault in February, and hours lost due to stress and/or dread faced over not wanting to go home late at night. I can't get those $$$ back, but I am greatly relieved to know that I may never have to set foot in Rainier Beach ever again unless absolutely necessary. I am not a spiteful person so I don't expect anything other than making sure that Kent doesn't get screwed over in closing costs by those bastards. If you're going to manager a piece of property, get the fucking sense to know what your legal obligations are before you decide to become landlords. Studies show that rocket science is not required for property management.

Yesterday, we survived the move into our new apartment in Capital Hill with huge sighs of relief. The new apartment is in complete disarray, but that is to be expected on the first night of the move. We could not have completed the move without the assistance of several people: Jonathan (our extremely nice and much better organized LANDlord - note the lack of the word SLUM); Dave, Michelle, and cute little Abby (Kent's brother-in-law, sister, and niece); Joanne (Kent's friend who helped store a few things overnight); and Kendra (Kent's friend who supplied us some boxes courtesy of her local liquor store). Abby was so cute and very well-behaved as she carried small items into the new apartment. She called me Uncle Matt and told me she loved me, which about brought me to tears. She is so cute!

With our new location, huge bucketloads of stress are lifted from our shoulders. Kent is in walking distance to school. I don't have to take the bus if I don't have to (which means that I will never really take a bus), unless I'm unusually lazy one day. I can walk just about everywhere that I need to go. That makes me a happy boy. I am the type of person that wants to get from A to B without interference and too much stress. I don't want to be stalled by stupid people that never have change ready, certain people who confuse themselves for TuPac Shakur rapping loudly on the bus, spontaneous AWWF Smackdowns involving canes and walking sticks, muggings in February, and horrible cellphone on the bus etiquette to prevent me from trouble-free travelling.

So, here's to a great and less-stressful year in 2006. Finally, I'd like to bid adieu to Rainier Beach and dipshit slumlords! Good riddance.