Ladies and Gentlemen, The Self-Loathing Queer Has Now Left This Body

Any year can have its ups and downs, but for me, 2005 was not one of my better years. As a matter of fact, if I was more of a drama queen (that fact can be debated at will by anyone), I'd tell you that 2005 was the worst year of my life. In certain respects, that would be true. The hardest thing for me was the assault and the aftermath that I endured on and after February 15th. Conversation with my mother over the phone on her birthday should not have centered around blood gushing from my head and bruises on my knee. That was one of the hardest phone calls that I ever had made. My attack, which was basically over a stupid fucking cellphone, resulted in medical bills that took forever to be covered by insurance with $$$ still owed; pain and suffering; and fallout and subsequent hatred for Sprint. Their collection agency is coming after me to this day, but I hope to resolve this over the next couple of months by paying them so that I can move on.

2005 was also the year where I struggled with sadness and depression. I've been fighting these demons for years, but nearly took over my mind and body completely over the summer and the beginning of fall. Manifestations of the above took on the form of doubt, loathing, anger towards certain people and situations, utter contempt at certain factions of the local community (i.e. the "goth and darkwave" scene, the gay community, and "holier-than-thou hipster mentalities"), and downright hatred of myself. I've never attempted suicide before, but came close on a few occasions this year. In particular, June through September were the worst months.

However, my point of awakening did eventually occur when I finally said to myself "Enough is enough!" My main problem is that I continued to allow myself to be negatively impacted by these frustrations. I allow these thoughts to continue. I allow myself to feel down. Now that I think about it, as Kent put it during an argument during moving time, I did like to complain. I allow people and circumstances to bring me down and make me resentful. I've never quite come to the point of complete self-acceptance of my mind and body. My self-acceptance consists of the following things:

• I am openly gay to those on a "need to know" basis as well as with friends.
• I weigh 175 pounds (give or take a few) on a good day
• I value respect more than popularity.
• I don't waste money on $200 pair of jeans or $70 t-shirts, nor do I weigh the level of my self-worth based on how much I don spend on these things.
• I don't benchpress 300 pounds, nor am I emaciated. I eat what I want to eat and feel no guilt for it.
• I love experimental, industrial, most forms of electronica, some indie-pop music....fuck that labeling bullshit....I like good quality music, not mundane pop music made for the sake of mainstream consumption. I hate Britney and Hilary Duff, much prefer Cher as an actress, firmly believe that Whitney is definitely whacked on crack, and despise mainstream "rap metal" such as Korn and that ilk.
• I love to write and will continue to do so as long as I live.
• I am fascinated by creative people and find geeky guys with glasses and close-cropped beards sexy. I also have no qualms with admitting it to most right-wing moronic pundits and hypocritical, mean-spirited "Christians.

The list goes on and on and on, but you get the point. I've hated myself inside and out for far too long. I've endured far too many years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds on this self-implosion which is aided and abetted by biased opinions of those who are not in the know of me as a person, nor are in the right in the first place. There comes a time when you finally stop the insanity by saying "Enough is enough." For me, now is the time for me to defenstrate the "self-loathing queer" half of my dual personalities out of my body. I am determined to make 2006 the best year of my life, almost at all costs.

Truthfully, I could not have gotten through 2005 without the love of my close friends and the caring folks at my place of employment. I'd like to, in particular, thank the following folks: Jessica (my best friend of 15 years); Ashley, Jeanne, and Soren (my dear concert-going friends in Olympia); co-worker/fellow blogger The Kern (see blog of the year entry); Glory, Wendy, Cheryl, Wilma, Dianna, and Marlene (present and past secretaries at my employer); and Kent (my housemate), despite several arguments and disagreements over the last 14 months). At the end of the day, I have a great situation right now here in Seattle that makes life worth living.

The title of this blog entry contains the theme of 2006 for me. Here's to the new year - may it be a prosperous time for all aspects of the mind and body for everyone.