2005 Year-End Review: Worst Record of the Year (Even though I somewhat like it)

**Editor's note: This entry has been amended as of Tuesday, Dec. 27, 2005 @ 3:17 p.m.

Back in 2003, everyone got bent out of shape when Madonna rapped about pilates and soy lattes in song. However, the single highlight of the new "back to her dance roots" record, Confessions on a Dance Floor, is I Love New York, which actually sets a precedent for horrid lyrics, especially when she says "other cities make (her) feel like a dork" at one point in the song. Worse than that is the lyric that goes something like this:

If you don't like my attitude
Then you can f*** off
Just go to Texas
Isn't that where they golf

Clearly, this monstrosity of a song lyric is a point-blank reference to President Dubya. Touche, Madonna. Despite these horrific attempts at poetic license, the song is quite catchy, and by far, the lone standout track of an otherwise lackluster album. This album is ripe for a knock-off Britney or Christina Aguilera copycat. God forbid.

At any rate, Confessions is far from being an outstanding record. I mean, come on, Madonna, is the despicable Abba-sampling track Hung Up the best you can come up with? What's worse, I am convinced that she had just finished watching Napoleon Dynamite when she decided to dress up for the Hung Up video. That, to me, is a worse travesty than the Mini Cooper reference in her ode to being herself, American Life. In the end, Confessions leaves me with the same feeling of uncertainty that the mere presence of the pretentiously ballsy and maniacal right-wing pundit bombshell, Ann Coulter, invokes in me. Let me clarify:

Confessions (Pro): I love this record because it is a horrible piece of shit.
Confessions (Con): I hate this fucking record because it's a horrible piece of shit.

Ann Coulter (Pro): I love her because she says the stupidest shit ever, which in turn, makes me laugh my ass off.
Ann Coulter (Con): I hate her because of the stupid shit that makes me laugh my ass off in the first place.

I love Confessions! I hate Confessions! Oh, fuck, I can't decide whether I love it or hate it. Ditto for Ann Coulter. I love Ann! I hate Ann! Fuck me, again, I can't decide. However, what I can tell you is this: Confessions on a Dance Floor is a horrible piece of shit, which I can't help but like. So, shoot me.